"He meant that sometimes you get a glimpse into a life that you never thought of before. There are hidden trap doors all over the place, and suddenly you see one, and the next thing you know... the world's just so much bigger than you thought it was. So that night I made my New Year's resolution, better late than never: To Get Over My Damned Self. If I was going to follow Julia down this rabbit hole, I was going to enoy it, by God...Because not everybody gets a rabbit hole. I was one lucky bastard, when you came down to it."
                                                                                                         from Julie and Julia by Julie Powell

Something by which to capture the world
There is something infinitely more satisfying about making a big purchase by yourself. I mean, it's wonderful when someone is kind enough to buy you that thing you really want, but somehow it feels so right when you know that all those you paid for that car or that house, or that ridiculously over-priced handbag, if you're so richly blessed, pardon the pun.
My purchases-- finally-- of my very own laptop and camera (courtesy of LG and Samsung) have given me a little high and I'm grinning like a fool as I sit here in the coffeshop, registering them and charging them and now lovingly describing them. A lot of love and teaching and repeats of "No, it's pronounced right not light." I feel so grown-up.

Feeling grown-up is finally something I'm starting to feel lately, and feel comfortable with, as I contemplate a whole new decade of existence, as the ridiculous over-confidence (the blithe unawareness) that characterized my 20's is confronted by the responsibilities and expectations of the 30's. Besides, it's not something you can escape in Korea. "How old are you?" is not an impolite question, and "Ingrid, in Korea you're already 30. It's the perfect age to marry" is the Korean adult's refrain, the answer to any question I may ask, including "What's the sauce on this meat?"
I'm realizing, however, that much of the terror that had started to accompany the idea of my approaching birthday is self-imposed: from second grade, I had a entire set of "will haves" that I was going to have accomplished by now, world peace being the least of them. Life has, to say the least, thrown a couple of curve balls at me for which I was simply not ready. It's okay, though. In the last few years, painful and difficult though they've been, I know that I've lived every one of those moments. Taken the time to feel the sun on my skin, the sweat and the heat as well as the heartaches, the hopes, and the thrills. I've felt more conscious of all the things that have happened in the last 9 months than I feel about the things that happened when I was younger, years that I only vaguely remember and seldom recall; they only suddenly and randomly come upon me. In Korea, though, I'm learning to "take gracefully the wisdom of the years," to accept being a grown-up and be thankful for the steadiness of character that my younger, more impetuous self lacked and the elegance that only the confidence of living can give to your bearing.

Wisdom in small steps
So this New Year's (the Solar, since I will also be celebrating the Lunar this year) was very like the last one when there was a great shift in my life and in which I was trying to re-orient myself in preparation for the next. I have been very blessed in that way, to have the time and space in which to contemplate what's happened, how it's affected me, and how I can become a more mature person from the experience. How will what I've learned be important to how I teach in the future? So, what I learned, in some measure and part, was the following:

• I have always been afraid of confrontation. And to what end? It's really not so bad, if you quietly and clearly express your view of the situation, is it?
• I'm an emotional person, and that's okay.
• There is such a thing as being too accomodating, at the price of siliencing your own true desires, needs, and goals in life. There is such a thing as being insincere to yourself, and it doesn't happen because you're just a nice person.
• I am ready to move on with my life.

"Cuando" by SiSe. Because it's about a song about when you finally come into your own


Oh, cute boy, who are you?!
What I love about the way life turns out is that sometimes-- just when you've learned something new and  have accepted it, just when you say "ok, I'm ready "-- life throws you what you've asked for. This is something I've learned: there really is power in asking for something, and you really do need to be prepared for the unexpected when you ask for change to enter your life. I didn't realize it until a day or so after it had happened, this pattern that happens in my life around this time (winter is a truly good season for reflection), but it came in the form of a cute boy whose name I do not know and whose voice I've never heard.
I was looking pretty cute, I have to say, in my long muffler and pretty little winter hat, but I probably looked silly as I stared at this person who crossed my path and caught my eye. If you ask me why or what it was that attracted me to him, I honestly couldn't tell you. After a few feet, I just had to look back, and found that he had turned as well. It was like a dorky perfume commercial or something, and I blushed, but I couldn't look away, until I made myself. I mean, what was I going to do, ask him his name or something? Please, I've learned a little something about interacting with men in the last year or so. So I turned and went on my merry little way, with an idiotic grin on my face. I haven't seen him since, though, so I thought it must have been my Siberian-wind-frozen imagination (really, does it have to be so cold?). Until today, when I saw the same large green eyes staring at me as I turned the corner to the coffeeshop. Could it be he? Could Fate be so kind? I wasn't sure at first, but as I walked, I thought maybe it was.
Maybe we're only ever destined to pass each other by and look back at each other on our ways to who-knows-where. Is that it? Can someone please tell me if this man will ever find the perfect reason to stop me and say hello? Should I drop my shopping bag the next time I see him and spill my contents on the floor so that any decent person would just have to stop and help me? I'm cute, right? He'd pick up my stuff and maybe ask me to coffee, right?